Dean Martin
From Wikiquote
Dean Martin (born Dino Crocetti June 7, 1917 – December 25, 1995) was an Italian-American singer and film actor.
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- I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.
- If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
- Put your troubles away until tomorrow; if you're lucky, someone will break into your house tonight and steal them!
- When Jerry Lewis and I were big, we used to go to parties, and everybody thought I was big-headed and stuck up, and I wasn't. It was because I didn't know how to speak good English, so I used to keep my mouth shut.
- You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- If I drank as much as everybody thinks, I'd been dead 15 years ago. I don't drink anymore...I freeze it now and eat it like a popsicle.
- My body craves and needs alcohol. Mentally I'm a nun - My body is a drunk!
- I feel inferior. I can't cope with the fact I'm Dean Martin the big movie-star, that's why I drink. Without booze I'm Eddy Fisher.
- I cut down smoking to 5 cigarettes a day. They're 8 feet long... but I cut down to 5.
- The last surgeon report stated that smoking can cause cancer. It made me so nervous I was only smoking more.
- Hold it! We've been together 15 years....did I ever ask you to hold it? Now hold it!
- Do you always work with your helmet on?
- Is that a mustache or did you drink hot chocolate?
- Frank gimme some booze (Frank: what about that one?) Oh...is that my hand?
- If you wanna hear me sing straight, go buy an alvium.
- Bing needs another hit...like I need another kid.
- Somewhere backstage Mr. Sinatra is punching the head-waiter right in the mouth.
- Sammy I'll sing with you, I'll dance with you, I'll go shopping with you, I'll play golf with you...but... don't touch me.
- Last night I dreamed I ate a 50 pounds marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone.
- Last night, a girl kept banging on my door for forty minutes... but I won't let her out!
- Then there was a little boy who helped a nun cross the street. "Thank you little boy, she said. "It's allright lady, any friend of Zorro is a friend a mine!"
- You can live here but don't eat here. I just had a bowl of bourbon and some crackers and they ain't layin' right.
- This place is so damn cold. I share a double with a side of beef. They keep the butter in MY room.
- She was knocking and scratching on my door the whole night...but I wouldn't let her out.
- (After Sinatra told him he wanted to talk to him about his drinking) Why? Did I mess around?
- Which way is the audience pally?
- (After Frank Sinatra asked him if he knew how to make a fruit cordial): "I don't know... be nice to him, I guess."
- I like the one where the teacher says: "Tommy, do you have a fairy godmother?" "No, but we have an uncle we keep a close eye on."
- Frank and I we just flew here from Los Angeles. We didn't even take the aeroplane...we just flew here.
- How long I been on?
- What are you drinking? and he said: Scotch and carrot juice. And I asked: Why??? and he said: Well I get drunk but at least I can see good.
- She's 74 years old and still doesn't need no glasses...she drinks straight from the bottle. In fact she doesn't even open them anymore...she goes right through the label!
- (Dean's toast) I finally found the perfect girl, I couldn't ask for more. She's deaf and dumb and oversexed, and runs a liquor store.
- (Dean's other toast) I kissed a brown-eyed aging cow that gave me milk and cheese. Now I'm lying on my back with hoof and mouth desease.
